1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed that the sermon went on for 35 minutes.
3. I've decided to give our church the £35 a month I used to spend on Sky Digital TV.
4. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our parish priest so he can live like we do.
5. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
Funnies
Moderators: Dom Perignon, Casimir
-
gwyn
- Posts: 1148
- Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2003 3:42 pm
- Parish / Diocese: Archdiocese of Cardiff
- Location: Abertillery, South Wales UK
Organists jobs - a bit American but good for a laff
Organists jobs - a bit American but good for a laff
POSITION 1
Holy Apostolic Pentecostal Charismatic Fundamental Evangelical Right of
Truth Rod of God Church of Holiness seeks a minister of salvation through
music.
Organ
* We have a 1945 Hammond.
* Plans are being made to purchase a 1966 Allen.
Qualifications
* The organist must not be a Catholic, Jew, or other unbeliever.
* The organist must believe that the Bible is God's inerrant Word and
that every word is exactly true, and when Matthew and Luke disagree
in Jesus' genealogy, or when Leviticus forbids a man to marry his
brother's widow and Deuteronomy orders him to marry her, then it is our
own mind that is at fault, for when faith speaks, then reason must be silent.
* The organist must have an IQ approximating that of a snowcone.
* The organist must be heterosexual. Leviticus outlines how we must
treat the sexually aberrant, so don't talk to us about "Christian
Forgiveness."
* The Sermon on the Mount tells us that we must destroy iniquity and that
Jesus is capable of forgiving only good Christians.
Duties
* The organist directs the three adult choirs: the Noah's Flood
Choir, the Garden of Eden Choir, and the Smite the Heathen Choir.
* In addition, there are seven youth choirs, each named after a
Plague of Egypt: the Frog Choir, the Pimples Choir, and so forth.
Compensation
* We pay $6.00 weekly.
* The organist is expected to tithe 50% of this to the church.
* Annual re-baptism (towel not provided).
For further information, contact the Reverend Billy Bob Snodgrass c/o
WGOD-AM.
===============================================
POSITION 2
Our Blessed Virgin of Perpetual Regeneration. We are a small
Catholic parish of 3500 and are looking for an organist/cantor/music
director.
Organ
* We have a four-manual, 135-rank, 1925 E. M. Skinner organ. This instrument has needed re-leathering since 1954 and will be operable once we get the funds.
* The organ maintenance fund, begun in 1957, now has $16.59.* Until the remaining $137,000 is raised, the organist can utilize
the Baldwin FunMachine in the rear gallery.
Qualifications
* The organist must not be a Protestant, Jew, or other unbeliever.
* The organist must accept the Word of God as being of primary
importance, second only to the whims of the head priest.
* As to weddings, the organist must be guided by the bride's
favorite CD of the three tenors and forget that nonsense about musical "integrity".
Duties
* The organist plays the following masses: Saturdays at 1:00 PM,
3:00 PM, 5:00 PM, 9:00 PM, and 1:00 AM.; and Sundays at 4:00 AM, 6:00 AM, 9:00 AM, Latin Mass at 10:00 AM, Spanish Mass at 11:00 AM, Polish Mass at 12:00 noon, Gaelic Mass at 1:00 PM, and the 3:00 PM Hootenanny.
* The 8:00PM Bingo Mass is optional.
* The organist also plays weekday Novenas, devotions, and rosaries
from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM.
* The organist is responsible for all holy days, weddings, funerals,
baptisms, confessions, etc. (without extra compensation, of course).
* The organist also directs the Palestrina choir (five old ladies and
one old man) and the Schola Guitarum.
Compensation:
We pay Grace and Indulgence, as cash is of no use to a servant of God.
For further information, contact Fr. Patrick O'Shaughnessy, Fr. Giovanni
Battista Ferrari, or Fr. Wozelewski Szymenozski.
===============================================
POSITION 3
Temple of Krishna Consciousness
Organ
* Made of bamboo, elephant tusks and monkey dung, it used to be a
practice instrument at the University of Michigan.
* The organist must not be a Christian, Jew, or other unbeliever.
The organist must accept the avatars of Brahma, Vishnu, and Siva.
* The organist must not be an Untouchable or have been a spider or
snake in a previous life.
* The organist must have four arms.
Duties
* The organist must play at all Ganges baptisms, at all sacrifices
of virgins to the goddess Kali, and in all airport lobbies.
Compensation
* We can arrange it so that in your next life you'll be something other than an organist.
For further information, please shake your beads in a counterclockwise
motion while chanting, dancing, and fasting.
===============================================
POSITION 4
Thoreau Unitarian-Universalist Church of Trees, Flowers, Whales, and
Alternate Lifestyles seeks somebody to keep the volunteer choir
occupied before and after the sermon.
Organ
* new $3,500,000 state-of-the-art, tracker action 18 manual UberKlipschstadt
Qualifications
* Sure, why not?
Duties
* 11:00 a.m. Sunday service -- summers and all local, regional, and
national holidays free.
* Attendance at annual "Blessing of the Pets" (even though it's
outdoors, we want the solidarity).
* Play the hymns and whatever else you want, but for God's sake (can
we say that?) keep the hell out of the minister's way and don't finish
past noon.
* Play something recognizable as music during the offertory
* Keep your hands off anyone who hasn't reached the legal age of
consent.
Compensation Based on degrees and relevant experience:
B.M. -- $11,000
M.M. -- $11,500.
Ph.D. - $12,000.
Ph.D. and 10+ years experience -- $13,000 and discounted bagels from the shop owned by the Co-Goddess (chairperson) of the Standing Committee.
For further information, contact the Search Committee c/o Edgartown Inn,
Martha's Vineyard.
POSITION 1
Holy Apostolic Pentecostal Charismatic Fundamental Evangelical Right of
Truth Rod of God Church of Holiness seeks a minister of salvation through
music.
Organ
* We have a 1945 Hammond.
* Plans are being made to purchase a 1966 Allen.
Qualifications
* The organist must not be a Catholic, Jew, or other unbeliever.
* The organist must believe that the Bible is God's inerrant Word and
that every word is exactly true, and when Matthew and Luke disagree
in Jesus' genealogy, or when Leviticus forbids a man to marry his
brother's widow and Deuteronomy orders him to marry her, then it is our
own mind that is at fault, for when faith speaks, then reason must be silent.
* The organist must have an IQ approximating that of a snowcone.
* The organist must be heterosexual. Leviticus outlines how we must
treat the sexually aberrant, so don't talk to us about "Christian
Forgiveness."
* The Sermon on the Mount tells us that we must destroy iniquity and that
Jesus is capable of forgiving only good Christians.
Duties
* The organist directs the three adult choirs: the Noah's Flood
Choir, the Garden of Eden Choir, and the Smite the Heathen Choir.
* In addition, there are seven youth choirs, each named after a
Plague of Egypt: the Frog Choir, the Pimples Choir, and so forth.
Compensation
* We pay $6.00 weekly.
* The organist is expected to tithe 50% of this to the church.
* Annual re-baptism (towel not provided).
For further information, contact the Reverend Billy Bob Snodgrass c/o
WGOD-AM.
===============================================
POSITION 2
Our Blessed Virgin of Perpetual Regeneration. We are a small
Catholic parish of 3500 and are looking for an organist/cantor/music
director.
Organ
* We have a four-manual, 135-rank, 1925 E. M. Skinner organ. This instrument has needed re-leathering since 1954 and will be operable once we get the funds.
* The organ maintenance fund, begun in 1957, now has $16.59.* Until the remaining $137,000 is raised, the organist can utilize
the Baldwin FunMachine in the rear gallery.
Qualifications
* The organist must not be a Protestant, Jew, or other unbeliever.
* The organist must accept the Word of God as being of primary
importance, second only to the whims of the head priest.
* As to weddings, the organist must be guided by the bride's
favorite CD of the three tenors and forget that nonsense about musical "integrity".
Duties
* The organist plays the following masses: Saturdays at 1:00 PM,
3:00 PM, 5:00 PM, 9:00 PM, and 1:00 AM.; and Sundays at 4:00 AM, 6:00 AM, 9:00 AM, Latin Mass at 10:00 AM, Spanish Mass at 11:00 AM, Polish Mass at 12:00 noon, Gaelic Mass at 1:00 PM, and the 3:00 PM Hootenanny.
* The 8:00PM Bingo Mass is optional.
* The organist also plays weekday Novenas, devotions, and rosaries
from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM.
* The organist is responsible for all holy days, weddings, funerals,
baptisms, confessions, etc. (without extra compensation, of course).
* The organist also directs the Palestrina choir (five old ladies and
one old man) and the Schola Guitarum.
Compensation:
We pay Grace and Indulgence, as cash is of no use to a servant of God.
For further information, contact Fr. Patrick O'Shaughnessy, Fr. Giovanni
Battista Ferrari, or Fr. Wozelewski Szymenozski.
===============================================
POSITION 3
Temple of Krishna Consciousness
Organ
* Made of bamboo, elephant tusks and monkey dung, it used to be a
practice instrument at the University of Michigan.
* The organist must not be a Christian, Jew, or other unbeliever.
The organist must accept the avatars of Brahma, Vishnu, and Siva.
* The organist must not be an Untouchable or have been a spider or
snake in a previous life.
* The organist must have four arms.
Duties
* The organist must play at all Ganges baptisms, at all sacrifices
of virgins to the goddess Kali, and in all airport lobbies.
Compensation
* We can arrange it so that in your next life you'll be something other than an organist.
For further information, please shake your beads in a counterclockwise
motion while chanting, dancing, and fasting.
===============================================
POSITION 4
Thoreau Unitarian-Universalist Church of Trees, Flowers, Whales, and
Alternate Lifestyles seeks somebody to keep the volunteer choir
occupied before and after the sermon.
Organ
* new $3,500,000 state-of-the-art, tracker action 18 manual UberKlipschstadt
Qualifications
* Sure, why not?
Duties
* 11:00 a.m. Sunday service -- summers and all local, regional, and
national holidays free.
* Attendance at annual "Blessing of the Pets" (even though it's
outdoors, we want the solidarity).
* Play the hymns and whatever else you want, but for God's sake (can
we say that?) keep the hell out of the minister's way and don't finish
past noon.
* Play something recognizable as music during the offertory
* Keep your hands off anyone who hasn't reached the legal age of
consent.
Compensation Based on degrees and relevant experience:
B.M. -- $11,000
M.M. -- $11,500.
Ph.D. - $12,000.
Ph.D. and 10+ years experience -- $13,000 and discounted bagels from the shop owned by the Co-Goddess (chairperson) of the Standing Committee.
For further information, contact the Search Committee c/o Edgartown Inn,
Martha's Vineyard.
Last edited by gwyn on Wed Jul 07, 2004 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
gwyn
- Posts: 1148
- Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2003 3:42 pm
- Parish / Diocese: Archdiocese of Cardiff
- Location: Abertillery, South Wales UK
SOP and the Nude organist
SOP wrote:
Yes, he was a character in Monty Python's Flying Circus (BBC 2 comedy 1960's). He just played a major chord with a sixth in it grinning all-the-while whenever a spoof quiz contesant answered a question correctly.
I think the character may have been loosely based on Harold Smart who was responsible for the musical aspects of a 60's quiz show called Take Your Pick. Harold would play while smiling into the camera - all clever stuff. As to why the send-up version was nude, maybe we'll never know.
Looking for an avatar I went into Google, . . . there is one there of nudeorganist.
Just wondered if anyone knew him?
Yes, he was a character in Monty Python's Flying Circus (BBC 2 comedy 1960's). He just played a major chord with a sixth in it grinning all-the-while whenever a spoof quiz contesant answered a question correctly.
I think the character may have been loosely based on Harold Smart who was responsible for the musical aspects of a 60's quiz show called Take Your Pick. Harold would play while smiling into the camera - all clever stuff. As to why the send-up version was nude, maybe we'll never know.
-
manniemain
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:33 pm
- Parish / Diocese: St Margaret's Huntly - diocese of aberdeen
- Location: North of Scotland
Re:
ILRush wrote:Mmmmm, so if I enter the word 'martians' and it is not beeped, then they exist?
Take a look at some of those folk who inhabit the back rows and dark corners of the Church at a Saturday Vigil Mass and you'll be in no doubt at all!
Rob
-
manniemain
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:33 pm
- Parish / Diocese: St Margaret's Huntly - diocese of aberdeen
- Location: North of Scotland
Re: SOP and the Nude organist
Gwyn wrote:SOP wrote:Looking for an avatar I went into Google, . . . there is one there of nudeorganist.
Just wondered if anyone knew him?
Yes, he was a character in Monty Python's Flying Circus (BBC 2 comedy 1960's). He just played a major chord with a sixth in it grinning all-the-while whenever a spoof quiz contesant answered a question correctly.
I think the character may have been loosely based on Harold Smart who was responsible for the musical aspects of a 60's quiz show called Take Your Pick. Harold would play while smiling into the camera - all clever stuff. As to why the send-up version was nude, maybe we'll never know.
My favourite story is about Norman Cocker (yes really!) who was assistant organist at Manchester Cathedral in the 1930s. (also the nearby Regal Cinema) He wrote one of the famous "Tuba Tunes" The Cathedral organ loft was one of those "hidden from all" affairs, so he accepted a dare to play the organ in the nude. All went well until the door opened and one of the vergers burst in with a visitor to the Cathedral. Any prizes for guessing how the conversation went then?
A famous clip of Harold Smart showed just his hands playing the organ and when this was filmed he had a button missing. Apparently he received many buttons and needles etc. posted every week!
Rob
-
manniemain
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:33 pm
- Parish / Diocese: St Margaret's Huntly - diocese of aberdeen
- Location: North of Scotland
Re:
SOP wrote:
I am tempted to go through a list of swear words to see what is beeped! But I won't.
On another thread I referred to the f a g end of effort being rewarded. (Vespers - check it out!) Frankly I hadn't considered the rude interpretation that could be put on the "cigarette" word. The software promptly replaced it with BLEEP which seemed far ruder and allowed the imagination to provide all manner of alternatives!
Rob
Re:
Canonico wrote:Benevenio wrote:Bishop of Lourdes is called Jacques Perrier.
The Archbishop of Bordeaux is called Jean-Pierre RICARD.
Perhaps the can work more soberly together!
What a good job that the city of Condom in Tarn et Garonne ceased to be a bishopric in the 18th century.......
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manniemain
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:33 pm
- Parish / Diocese: St Margaret's Huntly - diocese of aberdeen
- Location: North of Scotland
Re: Re:
asb wrote:What a good job that the city of Condom in Tarn et Garonne ceased to be a bishopric in the 18th century.......
That would be considered "trying it on!"
They do make rather wonderful Armagnac there though. (totally irrelevant but I thought I'd say it!)
Rob
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lesley wright
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 8:01 pm
- Location: Newcastle upon Tyne
Re bleeps
manniemain wrote:SOP wrote:
I am tempted to go through a list of swear words to see what is beeped! But I won't.
On another thread I referred to the f a g end of effort being rewarded. (Vespers - check it out!) Frankly I hadn't considered the rude interpretation that could be put on the "cigarette" word. The software promptly replaced it with BLEEP which seemed far ruder and allowed the imagination to provide all manner of alternatives!
Is anyone old enough to remember a radio programme which included the Rolf Harris dirty songbook? You can make the most innocuous lyrics incredibly rude by putting in a bleep. The particular example that stuck in my mind was "Two little boys had two little **" (but then, it was the Rolf Harris dirty song book - the alternative would have had to be "Tie me ** down, sport")