Performance Anxieties - What Are Yours?

[Maz]

I'm curious to know how other church musicians feel about 'performing' in church.

Which things terrify you the most? Have you found any magical cures for the dreaded nerves?

I find waiting in anticipation in an organ loft for cues or bells to ring quite disturbing, despite the fact that I have done the whole sequence hundreds of times.

(I admit that I have a bit of an agenda in starting this topic - and have probably blown my not very difficult to work out pseudonym. Oh well, I will have to regenerate (like Doctor Who) into a different identity in case I feel the urge to be rude or outspoken)

[Merseysider]

I started playing the organ in church at the age of 12 (20th March, 1974). As a teenager my Saturday job was playing for wedding after wedding after wedding. By the age of 18 I'd played the organ for the rosary procession at Lourdes – I believe I was accompanying around 55,000 people.

Then, sometime in my 20s the nerves kicked-in – big time!

Now, if you asked me to accompany six old ladies singing "Soul of my Saviour" at St Polycarp's on Sunday afternoon I'd fall apart at the seams.

I will happily sit up for hours writing out instrumental parts and rehearsing with assorted instrumentalists – rather than play the simple opening hymn next Sunday. And, at our smaller church, if I'm animating I'm near a pillar at the front and if I'm nervous I'll feel for it with a spare hand.

No such luck at our bigger church – not a pillar in sight and you feel very exposed – I only got through Good Friday because I was more worried about not appearing nervous to our novice choir and orchestra. I was smartly dressed in black and appeared the picture of professional composure. Inside I felt ill and – if you don't mind my confessing it – I slipped out for a fag during the Passion reading.

Now that Maz has opened the subject, is there anyone else out there who suffers as badly and has any tips.

And, encouraged by a glass of wine, I'll admit that this is the reason I bowed out as a professional musician and kept it as a hobby.

Phew! Confession over.
Absolution anyone?

[Merseysider]

Rather disturbed that this site has replaced the slang word for cigarette with "bleep", thereby leaving readers no end of ideas about what I slipped out for!

[Tsume Tsuyu]

Rather disturbed that this site has replaced the slang word for cigarette with "bleep", thereby leaving readers no end of ideas about what I slipped out for!

Oh now you've spoilt the fun!

As for nerves, I've only found one thing that helps - beta blockers!!! I have struggled with nerves, anxiety, whatever you like to call it, for years. As a reader, I stand up regularly before a full church to proclaim the Word, but that's not before standing, almost as regularly, in front of the loo, throwing up. I apologise if that's too graphic but it is absolutely true. I get so nervous that I often wonder if it's worth it. Two things make me persevere: firstly, this is one of many things that make me nervous and, if I stopped doing them all, I'd do very little, and so I face the fear. Secondly, without blowing my own trumpet, I think I read quite well. I always prepare, I think I am clear and I really do try to proclaim (once I've begun reading, the fear dissipates, BTW). I think this is a way in which I can serve and so I keep at it.

My other particular problem is singing alone. As part of a small choir, there are times when it's all hands to the pumps and I'm asked to sing something. The moment I open my mouth to sing alone, someone/something grabs me round the throat and I sound like a strangled cat! I can't breathe, never mind sing!

As I said at the beginning, I discovered by chance that beta-blockers were very effective in calming my nerves but I worry about becoming too reliant on tablets and so I don’t often resort to them. Mostly, I rely on the “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” questioning technique. Believe me, I can imagine some pretty awful 'worst things' so that’s not much help! Some weeks are better than others, but mostly it's a bit of a nightmare. One thing I always do is offer up whatever I am about to do. I think God knows that, however it comes out, I am trying my best. The reading always goes okay, despite the worrying; the singing is usually awful, but I think my intentions are the right ones and I guess that’s what is most important.

TT

[musicus]

Rather disturbed that this site has replaced the slang word for cigarette with "bleep", thereby leaving readers no end of ideas about what I slipped out for!

I, for one, am grateful for your elucidation! (I think the beeped word - and, therefore, your sentence - has a completely different meaning on the other side of the Pond. )

M

[Merseysider]

the beeped word...has a completely different meaning on the other side of the Pond.

M

Quite. Although they would find me having one of those more acceptable! They don't like us smokers over there!

[Merseysider]

...this is one of many things that make me nervous and, if I stopped doing them all, I'd do very little...

Very true TT. I've actually been absent from liturgical music for a while because of the nerves. But I've missed it so much. And then I realised that, as you point out, there are many things I'm not doing because of the nerves.

Betablockers aren't good for me – besides, I'm permanently on other blood pressure tablets. Started going to a hypnotherapist about the smoking and found he was actually giving me general relaxation techniques which are very helpful.

I've also discovered (accidentally) that putting other people first helps a lot. Last Sunday I was thinking "I really can't do this..." One of our lady singers was very upset about her husband who died recently. Spent some time talking to her and kept on eye on her during Mass – and I don't remember any nerves at all thereafter. Perhaps I'm just too self-obsessed.

[Tsume Tsuyu]

I've also discovered (accidentally) that putting other people first helps a lot.

Putting other people first does help, you're right. I discovered that accidentally too! Last Sunday, I sang with some of the children from school to help them hold their part. They were worried about coming in at the right place and I suddenly realised they were relying on me. It sort of became more important to help them and I was less nervous than usual.

Maybe I'm too self-obsessed too. If I focused more on why I'm doing these things, i.e. to support the congregation and enhance the liturgy, perhaps I'd worry less about mucking it up! Actually, no. I'd probably worry more!

I'm glad you have become involved in liturgical music again. That must have taken a lot of courage. Stick with it!

TT

[Dot]

Ha! At last there's something on this Forum on which I can claim considerable expertise - performance nerves.

I am completely unphased by singing in public, even though my voice is not the most reliable. However, put me at a keyboard instrument, and I get sweaty palms, my brain disengages from my fingers, and I am distracted by the slightest little thing. Then I cannot cope with people singing out of tune, instruments getting their entries wrong, and all the other blips that a good accompanist should be able to compensate for.

I have listened to the advice and watched the example of a very good and sensitive accompanist, and tried to put some of it into action. In the context of the particular parish group I am in, most of it does not work for me, within my own technical limitations. If only I could free up my mind and play more spontaneously, the sense of empowerment he talks of might be more of a reality. Any reader of Music and Liturgy will have had the chance to share the views of the aforementioned accompanist, writing articles in Volumes 28 and 29.

The following words, in particular, are reassuring (and you won’t find them in print).

“There is no quick fix really (for performance nerves) apart from realising that people are grateful you are there at all, you are doing your best at that moment and in those circumstances and that God doesn’t mind what your fingers do – it’s what is in your heart that matters. Get the bigger picture fixed in your mind and the fragments of doubt will miraculously dissolve. The picture is not forbidding, it beckons you to be part of it.”

From a practical point of view, there are things that can help. Clear, decisive leadership from whoever is directing, sufficient rehearsal, with instruments getting familiar with their parts during rehearsal, and an enthusiastic singing assembly (OK, choir will do if the assembly won’t sing). In short, a good sense of ensemble is the key to the problem. There’s nothing worse than that desperate sense of isolation, like when the page of your hymn book is blown over, you haven’t got a spare hand to turn it back, and no one notices while you ad lib complete rubbish!

Dot

[gwyn]

I attended a school leavers' mass, we sang to a CD backing played over the P.A. I sat there, numbed. I would rather have heard a child or small group of people sawing away albeit inadequately on their violins, or churning out wrong notes on recorders, or third-rate organ playing, in fact anything but a recorded backing.

Keep things in perspective. However nervous or panicky we might become, our sincere human outpourings are delicious when compared to the automitonesque, meticulously reproduced soulless excuse for music generated by a CD.

Let everything that has breath . . . nervous or otherwise . . .

[presbyter]

Priests can be a bag of nerves too you know.

But never forget that the Spirit is with all who minister in the Liturgy - ordained and lay - and that those words of the Lord about not needing to worry and not being afraid are alive and active. I wonder, could not readers, ministers of Holy Communion, Cantors join in the moments of preparatory calm, silence and prayer in the sacristy before Mass?

[Maz]

Lots of interesting replies from everyone! Thanks.

I have noticed that I don't get nervous to the same extent playing in church as I do playing classically in e.g. a concert hall. I am not sure why. I can only think that it provides a clue to finding out what causes my nerves in the first place - probably the fear of being judged/criticised by others and the terror of being the centre of attention so that if I 'go wrong', people are going to notice it.

Also, if you have been a member of a parish for a long time you tend to know your 'audience' and can recognise familiar faces who may give you a smile of reassurance when you are standing up there, waving your hands about, attempting to teach people a new piece of music. And there are usually other things going on in church at the same time as any performance, e.g. action on the sanctuary, processions, or congregational singing which can help to take the heat off any one individual.

Having said that, from a physical point of view, I do experience very inconvenient nervous symptoms in church such as sweaty, cold, clammy hands, shaking, crackly voice and concentration lapses.

[Tsume Tsuyu]

Encouragement is a big help too, I think. I led a call and response Sanctus at a service last week, sandwiched between two excellent cantors, with beautiful voices. I was not very good. Despite all my determination and all the prayers I offered up, nerves choked me up as usual and I was probably not very helpful to those who were trying to respond to what I was singing but, afterwards, a lady from the congregation sought me out and thanked me. She said she thought I was very brave to stand up in front of all those people and that she was encouraged to sing out the response, to help me! I know that's not the right way round but her words have made me determined to try again and do better next time because I know that I can do it; in the bathroom at home it sounds fine – no mistakes, no quaky voice – so I shall persevere, encouraged by the words of that lady who appreciated what I did, not because I did it well, but because of why I was doing it.

I wonder, could not readers, ministers of Holy Communion, Cantors join in the moments of preparatory calm, silence and prayer in the sacristy before Mass?

What a good idea. There is always so much rushing about and 'sorting out' to do before Mass. Maybe we should allow ourselves time to stop, draw breath and spend a few moments in prayerful contemplation before we begin. It might mean getting there a few minutes earlier than we already do, but I'm sure that if we made the effort, we could manage it.

TT

[Maz]

Maybe we should allow ourselves time to stop, draw breath and spend a few moments in prayerful contemplation before we begin. It might mean getting there a few minutes earlier than we already do, but I'm sure that if we made the effort, we could manage it.

I happened to arrive before the rest of the 'band' at Mass today and it was really calming to be alone for a few moments to collect my thoughts and prepare in silence before the rabble arrived. Stress is infectious - it's difficult to screen yourself from other people's panic!

[sidvicius]

How about a team effort? Soloes do have that nasty undertone of 'performance' sometimes, particularly when its the same cantor every week. I wonder if judicious layering of (single voice) harmonies, or even just a simple duet/trio would add to the experience and subtract the nerves that a singleton singer/player might be subject to?

Maybe not a complete answer, but even an organist might benefit from the presence of an assistant to turn pages or pull stops.