Every now and then I receive an email which actually makes me laugh. The following is one of them.
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The Bible
A Catholic elementary school test :
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklestein's, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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If I have a favourite, it is number 12.
Funnies
Moderators: Dom Perignon, Casimir
Just because people have not replied to SOP doesn't mean that the 26 who have read the thread to date have not enjoyed them and laughed...
It's been a quiet week on all threads here this week...
though there've been one or two new contributors...
perhaps the silence has something to do with Half Term (well it is here in the middle of the country)...
never mind, when the children are back at school on Monday, you'll be able to get back on your PCs (or even Apple Macs) and post, post, post!
It's been a quiet week on all threads here this week...
though there've been one or two new contributors...
perhaps the silence has something to do with Half Term (well it is here in the middle of the country)...
never mind, when the children are back at school on Monday, you'll be able to get back on your PCs (or even Apple Macs) and post, post, post!
The Management
I have to admit I was not too concerned that more posts weren't being made on this thread but hopefully if anyone else receives 'funny' relevant emails, then they will share them on here.
Obviously, there are some mails that are only fit for deleting but every now and then one arrives which I am happy to share.
Thanks for your concern.
Obviously, there are some mails that are only fit for deleting but every now and then one arrives which I am happy to share.
Thanks for your concern.
A new batch:
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting on the north and south ends of this church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
3. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the young mothers club, all wishing to become young mothers will they please meet the pastor in his study.
4. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the new carpet please come forward and get a piece of paper.
5. Tonights sermon "What is hell?". Come early and listen to the choir practice.
6. Next Sundays preacher can be found hanging on the notice board
7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement every Friday.
9. The service today will end with "Drops of Water". One of the men will start quietly and the rest will join in.
10. Wednesday, The Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing "Put me in my little wooden bed" accompanied by the pastor in his study.
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting on the north and south ends of this church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
3. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the young mothers club, all wishing to become young mothers will they please meet the pastor in his study.
4. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the new carpet please come forward and get a piece of paper.
5. Tonights sermon "What is hell?". Come early and listen to the choir practice.
6. Next Sundays preacher can be found hanging on the notice board
7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement every Friday.
9. The service today will end with "Drops of Water". One of the men will start quietly and the rest will join in.
10. Wednesday, The Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing "Put me in my little wooden bed" accompanied by the pastor in his study.
Beeping
SOP asks why the four-letter reference to the infernal regions has been beeped. Well, apparently 'beeping' is an automatic function, carried out by the software that makes this forum work. It is certainly not done by me (moderator) or by admin. However, I believe that admin can tweak the list of objectionable words.
I can imagine that a 'religious' forum such as this one of ours might well generate quite a few beeps. Let's see how many of the following get though:
Jesus Christ - Son of God
Mother of God - Mary, theotokos
Holy Moses - defied Pharoah
Musicus
I can imagine that a 'religious' forum such as this one of ours might well generate quite a few beeps. Let's see how many of the following get though:
Jesus Christ - Son of God
Mother of God - Mary, theotokos
Holy Moses - defied Pharoah
Musicus
hell and damnation
hell is now allowed - I had missed this on the original censored word list (sorry folks). The list is not exhaustive, by the way, and given a reason words can be added or removed easily. So, if you feel that somehting should or should not be allowed, let me know - you'll have to use e-mail to do so, because, in a PM, disallowed words will be beeped 
The Management
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presbyter
- Posts: 1651
- Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2003 8:21 pm
- Parish / Diocese: youknowalready
- Location: elsewhere
Re: hell and damnation
admin wrote:hell is now allowed
It must exist then!
