There must be others who have been in this position and who could perhaps give advice. I have been involved with church music for about 40 years now. At the moment I lead the music in my parish, and have been for over 15 years It is greatly loved by a community who love singing (they rival the local Methodists) and relish new music - they are always willing to give it a go.
There is me, four or five other adults and some teenagers, playing the usual combination of instruments.
But now I've had enough of it.
The background is that the parish used to be an exciting place to be - active, trained and trusted parish council and great hopes for the future. Then we had a PP who disbanded all of that (too threatening, I guess). The diocese then gave the presbytery to the school, and the priest left the ministry. Now we share a priest. The community has lost heart and people are drifting away. People tell me that the music keeps them coming.
Trouble is that the other adult musicians just will not share the burden. If I am away for a Sunday there is no music.
The question is how to disengage without guilt? I fear no one will take up the challenge and the community will be diminished yet again.
Any suggestions?
Letting go
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Tsume Tsuyu
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Letting go
I've not exactly been in your position, Alan, but I can empathise with some of what you've said.
First though, what struck me was what you said about having previously had a "trained and trusted parish council". Given that you no longer have a resident priest, is now not the time for that parish council to come into its own? Is there any chance of it being reformed and taking the reins of the general running of the parish. A priest doesn't make a parish. If your parish was vibrant and active before, then it could be so again, surely?
As for your particular situation, you need to consider whether you've really had enough, or whether you've just had enough of doing all the hard work yourself. It sounds as though, if you had more support, you'd continue but, if you've already asked for help and that hasn't been forthcoming, then your options are somewhat limited. Have you tried asking for help from outside your band of regular musicians? There may be someone in the parish who has musical skills. What about the teenagers? They might rise to the challenge of leading the music on the days you can't be there, and put the adults to shame.
I should imagine you've probably explored all these options though. If there really is no alternative to your giving up and, if that is what you want, then the only way to do it is to set a date and go. And I'm not sure it's possible to disengage entirely without guilt. Here I can talk from experience! I am going through the same agonies over a couple of groups I'm involved with, one church-related, the other not. In both cases, I have a key role and I am very concerned about what will happen when I leave if no-one steps up to take my place. But, that doesn't make it my responsibility. I've done my bit and it's time for someone else to take over. If no-one rises to the challenge, then maybe that means that it's time for something different to happen. If these things have only been held together because of my involvement, is that good? The thing is, if I don't step down and give up completely, no-one will ever step forward whereas, if I do, someone just might. I won't know until I do it. And if my leaving causes either group to fall by the wayside then I know I'll feel guilty, it would be impossible not to, but I'll try to counter that by telling myself I've done my bit, that other people have a responsibility too and that it's not all down to me. I think that's all one can do.
It's a sad situation, but I think you have to make your mind up and, if you decide to step down, then just do it. (Could those who know me remind me of this when I start to waver about my own particular decisions please?
) Good luck, Alan.
First though, what struck me was what you said about having previously had a "trained and trusted parish council". Given that you no longer have a resident priest, is now not the time for that parish council to come into its own? Is there any chance of it being reformed and taking the reins of the general running of the parish. A priest doesn't make a parish. If your parish was vibrant and active before, then it could be so again, surely?
As for your particular situation, you need to consider whether you've really had enough, or whether you've just had enough of doing all the hard work yourself. It sounds as though, if you had more support, you'd continue but, if you've already asked for help and that hasn't been forthcoming, then your options are somewhat limited. Have you tried asking for help from outside your band of regular musicians? There may be someone in the parish who has musical skills. What about the teenagers? They might rise to the challenge of leading the music on the days you can't be there, and put the adults to shame.
I should imagine you've probably explored all these options though. If there really is no alternative to your giving up and, if that is what you want, then the only way to do it is to set a date and go. And I'm not sure it's possible to disengage entirely without guilt. Here I can talk from experience! I am going through the same agonies over a couple of groups I'm involved with, one church-related, the other not. In both cases, I have a key role and I am very concerned about what will happen when I leave if no-one steps up to take my place. But, that doesn't make it my responsibility. I've done my bit and it's time for someone else to take over. If no-one rises to the challenge, then maybe that means that it's time for something different to happen. If these things have only been held together because of my involvement, is that good? The thing is, if I don't step down and give up completely, no-one will ever step forward whereas, if I do, someone just might. I won't know until I do it. And if my leaving causes either group to fall by the wayside then I know I'll feel guilty, it would be impossible not to, but I'll try to counter that by telling myself I've done my bit, that other people have a responsibility too and that it's not all down to me. I think that's all one can do.
It's a sad situation, but I think you have to make your mind up and, if you decide to step down, then just do it. (Could those who know me remind me of this when I start to waver about my own particular decisions please?
) Good luck, Alan.TT
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contrabordun
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Don't make yourself feel guilty, and don't let others do so either. You've done your fair share.
Quite often people who could do the job don't like to volunteer for fear of treading on toes. Give a few months notice, publicise vigorously the fact that you're going, ask for volunteers to share the load between them, keep reminding everybody that you're going, and then, when the day arrives....GO.
If the music is something that's keeping people coming, and if your going ultimately hastens the end of this community, that's not something you should feel guilty about either. A community has to renew itself: each generation must take its turn to lead - the responsibility is that of the next one to continue the work, and in the last analysis, to make, either actively or by default, its own choice about whether the community continues to exist. But after 40 years in church music and 15 at this church, methinks you've earned the right to step down.
Quite often people who could do the job don't like to volunteer for fear of treading on toes. Give a few months notice, publicise vigorously the fact that you're going, ask for volunteers to share the load between them, keep reminding everybody that you're going, and then, when the day arrives....GO.
If the music is something that's keeping people coming, and if your going ultimately hastens the end of this community, that's not something you should feel guilty about either. A community has to renew itself: each generation must take its turn to lead - the responsibility is that of the next one to continue the work, and in the last analysis, to make, either actively or by default, its own choice about whether the community continues to exist. But after 40 years in church music and 15 at this church, methinks you've earned the right to step down.
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Tsume Tsuyu
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alan29 wrote:....this is still my community.
It is. And that's why, if you're someone who cares about other people, I don't think it's possible to "disengage without guilt". At the end of the day, though, it really is a case of doing what you need to do for you. You are not personally responsible for the survival of the community; everyone who is part of that community has a choice and that includes your fellow musicians. People don't have to leave because there is no music; they have a choice. If the community falls apart then that will be because of the choices made by everyone involved, not just you.
It's very sad that a once thriving parish now seems to be crumbling. You will feel guilty, but don't let that stop you from doing what you feel is right for you.
TT
Alan,
I've been where you are! I'm sure many of the forum lukers and posters have been.
I ran the music here for 10 years before I decided I really needed a break (for many reasons). But, during that time, I trusted the youngsters in the group to run things, on occasions, when I wasn't there. I'd like to think that this helped them as much as it helped me - certainly it boosted their confidence, and they learned by their mistakes (like having to ask hurriedly "what comes next?"). When I stopped, therefore, one of them took it on for a couple of years (until she got married and moved away). Now I am back in the thick of it all, having had time to rest - without feeling guilty.
One of the things I insisted on, when I took on the music here, was that one Sunday a month I wouldn't be there - which, having a young family, meant that we could visit Grandparents etc for the weekend without worrying about finding deps.
You could even combine the two ideas - deliberately take a back seat 1 Sunday a month and let the young people run it. You can be there to help with the planning, practice etc without having to feel that you need to stand up and lead.
In my opinion, part of being a successful parish MD is working to not be indispensible; that only worked here by forcing others to take it on so that they learned the ropes. So, teach them - and then enjoy your guilt free "retirement"!
I've been where you are! I'm sure many of the forum lukers and posters have been.
I ran the music here for 10 years before I decided I really needed a break (for many reasons). But, during that time, I trusted the youngsters in the group to run things, on occasions, when I wasn't there. I'd like to think that this helped them as much as it helped me - certainly it boosted their confidence, and they learned by their mistakes (like having to ask hurriedly "what comes next?"). When I stopped, therefore, one of them took it on for a couple of years (until she got married and moved away). Now I am back in the thick of it all, having had time to rest - without feeling guilty.
One of the things I insisted on, when I took on the music here, was that one Sunday a month I wouldn't be there - which, having a young family, meant that we could visit Grandparents etc for the weekend without worrying about finding deps.
You could even combine the two ideas - deliberately take a back seat 1 Sunday a month and let the young people run it. You can be there to help with the planning, practice etc without having to feel that you need to stand up and lead.
In my opinion, part of being a successful parish MD is working to not be indispensible; that only worked here by forcing others to take it on so that they learned the ropes. So, teach them - and then enjoy your guilt free "retirement"!
Benevenio.
Youth must have its fling.
Can't argue with that - the fact that you have 'some teenagers' involved is all credit to you. If your grown ups can't act adult about sharing the burden, I'm sure that, provided with a little discrete guidance from you, your 'yoofs' will flourish on their new responsibilities. Go get 'em!
Thank you all for your support. I finally finished this morning. The overwhelming feeling is one of relief.
I have no idea of what will happen. I had asked the other adults to share the burden/weeks. Their response has been to pretty well back out altogether! But I feel I have done the right thing and tried to hand on.
Again, thanks.
I have no idea of what will happen. I had asked the other adults to share the burden/weeks. Their response has been to pretty well back out altogether! But I feel I have done the right thing and tried to hand on.
Again, thanks.
Thanks for that. I will give the whole thing a break for a while, I think, as I am seriously fed up with the way the diocesan leaders have treated our parish. I need to take time out to let my anger subside. Isn't it a shame when our pastors disappoint us, and almost seem to be playing to a different set of rules.
Alan
Alan
Letting go- what happened next?
Alan, I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to know what is happening now in your parish. Sharing a priest is not easy, but it will soon be the rule rather than the exception, and we all need to work on the running of a parish that does not depend on the autonomy of the PP.
I hope you have managed to relax in your back seat, if that is what you have taken, and I hope the difficulties have not fragmented your parish community.
We have recently had a change of PP. Our last one has retired: He's in his 70s and has done wonders here for 20 years, and managed to acquire teams of people to do the administration, maintenance etc. with his quiet persuasion, wisdom and trust.
The younger replacement is, thank God, a priest we can work with who appreciates the whole framework that is in place.
As MD I have to get used to more input and discussion, but the exchange of ideas is fruitful, and we all in this parish realise we are fortunate even to have our own priest, let alone one we already knew and like.
Most of all, I hope your parish community appreciate what you did and use your retirement as an opportunity for a renewed enrichment of their service, rather than as a bitter disillusionment.
I hope you have managed to relax in your back seat, if that is what you have taken, and I hope the difficulties have not fragmented your parish community.
We have recently had a change of PP. Our last one has retired: He's in his 70s and has done wonders here for 20 years, and managed to acquire teams of people to do the administration, maintenance etc. with his quiet persuasion, wisdom and trust.
The younger replacement is, thank God, a priest we can work with who appreciates the whole framework that is in place.
As MD I have to get used to more input and discussion, but the exchange of ideas is fruitful, and we all in this parish realise we are fortunate even to have our own priest, let alone one we already knew and like.
Most of all, I hope your parish community appreciate what you did and use your retirement as an opportunity for a renewed enrichment of their service, rather than as a bitter disillusionment.
VML,
many thanks for the message. I have taken rather more than a back seat; at the moment I am spending Sundays doing totally non-churchy things. I think I need a fair bit of time away, just to think about how I feel about the Church.
As for a parish update, well not good I'm afraid. Numbers are much reduced, and many who struggle on are not happy with some of the "liturgical" innovations - having the children who surround the altar helping to raise the elements before the Great Amen, and "Lord I AM worthy to receive you" are two that have been mentioned.
How do they get away with it? and why would they want to?
many thanks for the message. I have taken rather more than a back seat; at the moment I am spending Sundays doing totally non-churchy things. I think I need a fair bit of time away, just to think about how I feel about the Church.
As for a parish update, well not good I'm afraid. Numbers are much reduced, and many who struggle on are not happy with some of the "liturgical" innovations - having the children who surround the altar helping to raise the elements before the Great Amen, and "Lord I AM worthy to receive you" are two that have been mentioned.
How do they get away with it? and why would they want to?
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organist
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letting go
I really sympathise with you alan29. It's even more distressing to be dismissed because of the new PP's power complex. Result end of choirs and music tradition going back to the 1940s. One hears of reduced congregations and much sadness 
But there is life after the trial! Try to pray for those leaders who make these difficult decisions and know that the Lord leads us into new paths
But there is life after the trial! Try to pray for those leaders who make these difficult decisions and know that the Lord leads us into new paths